Faith over fear. This is what I feel like God is teaching me / has been teaching me during this pregnancy.. well and actually the process of adopting Kohen as well! But I was never scared of adoption. I willing put myself out there. But with pregnancy? Different story.
Quick recap: Our story began with me at the doctors office 6 months after we were married getting my pcos diagnosis. I was prescribed birth control pills (never even picked them up) and was told to call my doctor if I ever wanted to get pregnant. Oh yeah and, we might never get pregnant.
This prompted a lot of discussions with Steve about the future of our family and what we thought that would look like. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a huge brat and when someone tells me I can’t do something I want to prove them wrong, or if I actually was ready to be a mom so shortly after our wedding, but the baby itch suddenly became very real. As you may know, we unsuccessfully “tried” for a year and then one day landed on foster care adoption and it was like the clouds parted and we could see the sun again. It was perfect for us. And all the pressure I had put on my body vanishes.
Once Kohen came home I had no desire to get pregnant, or as people outside the adoption world say “have one of my own”. 😉 Adoption made me a mom and that was all I needed. I also loved the fact that adoption is very much equal for both parents. Same amount of paper work and doctors appointments, same amount of parental responsibilities like feeding the child (I’m looking at you, breastfeeding) and etc. I honestly loved that.
I started taking Plexus to just better myself. Plain and simple. I hated the weight gain and all of the other crappy and exhausting symptoms of PCOS and was ready to kick it to the curb. I knew that getting my body healthy from the inside out could potentially mean getting the baby maker ready, and that excited me and terrified me. Why would a happily married woman who was labeled as infertile and who once tried to get pregnant be terrified of getting pregnant? I’ll tell you. I was naive before. Now I wasn’t. I had no clue that a lot of PCOS pregnancies ended in miscarriage. I had no clue that getting pregnant would be difficult, but that staying pregnant would be even harder. I was just a happy little newlywed. Fast forward 5 years and the idea of pregnancy really freaked me out. So even tho I was infertile, we took precautions. Sure there were times when I day dreamed 9 months ahead, but mostly I was terrified and didn’t even want to get close to pregnancy.
But then we got pregnant. I would track my cycles in an app (because who ever remembers the date of their last period?!) and I was pretty sure most women got pregnant half way through their 28 day cycles… which I’ve never ever had. It wasn’t in the cards for us, I thought. Yeah- I got pregnant on a 76 day cycle. The odds were defeated! God was showing me that He is greater.
As excited as we were (and trust me we were), in the back of my mind and maybe even Steve’s, we weren’t sure this would go full term. I was just so skeptical. I also am the type of person that hates to be let down, so I drastically lower my bar of expectation. I wouldn’t let myself google miscarriage rates or symptoms or anything like that even though that felt natural for me to do. God was showing me that my faith needed to overcome my fear. I couldn’t play into fear anymore. I had to charge forward and face doctors appointments with gusto. The Lord gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. No matter what. And with each ultrasound and sound of our babies strong heart beat, my faith grew. I even allowed myself to buy maternity clothes to grow into – because of faith.
I’m writing this down a couple weeks shy of full term, and it’s just amazing. I’m so happy a quick conversation with a new friend tonight spurred the words “faith overcoming fear” in my heart. I needed to reflect on God’s goodness again and praise Him for knowing me, loving me, and teaching me how to trust Him.
Friends- don’t just let faith overcome fear, but let your faith propel you forward. We’ve seen it happen now in 2 very similar situations of us having no control and just giving it all to God. In our case, growing our family has not been easy, but it has been slathered with God’s love! And boy am I thankful.